Whole Heartedly Sad Day in the Wildlife Kingdom Threatens My Existence.

It's been a long while since I posted. Mainly because I got a holiday and I'm not at work. But now i'm back. This was the last post but it might be a tad strained.

New Fangled Ideas!
Twenty years ago, a lonely animal lover watched penguins fluff some feathers and decided that there was something more to this...

Valentine's Day is the time of year when zoos around the nation seek to woo a new adult audience with risque tours that couple champagne, chocolate-covered strawberries and candlelight dining with impressive facts about how animals do the wild thing.

Credit for the concept goes to Jane Tollini, a former penguin keeper at the San Francisco Zoo. Tollini conceived the idea two decades ago while watching her penguins' courtship ritual, which culminates in what she describes as "bowling pins making love."

SAMPLE ANIMAL FACTS:

Male pigs have a unique corkscrew endowment and impressive, um, output; manatees have orgies and don't really care if their partners are male or female; and a male porcupine has only one four-hour window a year to mate.

Also, apparently, male manatees aren't really particular about what hole or what partner to stick it in. And porcupines do it cautiously. Can't get pricked with the wrong thing.

Uhm, guys. This is common knowledge. No? Just me? Damn.

Furthermore, some of these Valentine's Day Dirty Animals Get It On Packages have planned events where for example the guy side of the date (if were are assuming the whole hetero-normative thing) can participate in a mating danceoff. Which is equal parts awesome and sad, I think.

Picture it. Guys, doing their white boy over(under?)bite (for some reason, I feel like this event adheres to a predominantly white frat boy aesthetic.) trying to get the women all hot and bothered. Next thing we know is that they'll just walk up on stage quietly and calmly and just whip it out. No. Too evolved and coordinated...maybe in a few more hundred thousand years...yes, we'll still be going to zoos to watch animals do it then.

The human race is moving in an onwards and upwards direction.

How the hell did they get this oh so genius idea? (Me, sitting in my apartment naked, watching the National Geographic channel.)

Oh. Alright, I'm penciling it in.