It's a Knee Jerk Reaction But I Guess That Doesn't Negate the Fact That I Piddled on your Sandwich

I am attempting to move as quickly as I write this blog so that the words "enormous va-jay-jay" won't be on the top of the page. I'm a little conscious of who might accidently come across the page and think that I have a vagina, which would be a natural progression since I have a set of ovaries already but to boldly state that I have a vagina would be jumping the gun.

I feel that the past few times I have started an entry it always begins with "so I was sitting..." You'd think that I'd have a huge fucking ass and maybe some bed sores from all the sitting, but hey, why stop now? So I'm sitting here and my face is really dry. From the winter months which are just now gradually working their ways away until spring will offically grace us for...3 weeks and then it will be hot and humid summer.

Fuckers. The lot of them.

Contents of my fridge: Miso, tofu, pickled ginger, a grapefruit, broccoli, mustard, butter (do you keep butter in the fridge?), homemade broth stewed lovingly over hours and hours. a veggie burger, some mushrooms, a lemon, yogurt, salsa, cheese, heel of a loaf of bread, olives

Contents of my pantry: tomato puree, sugar (3 kinds), salt, flour, dark chocolate bark, Arborio rice, Sushi rice, canned black beans, chickpeas, quinoa, barley, cornmeal, polenta (same thing), nori, pinenuts, slivered almonds.

Contents of my soul:







Iceberg lettuce.

So I read this the other day and I thought I would share because my verbal flatulence needs to be contained and I have found the solution.

Berlin - German scientists have developed a pill that stops cattle breaking wind.

Methane emissions from cattle are responsible for four percent of harmful greenhouse gas emissions, and any reduction would be a major contribution to reducing global warming.

Scientists at the University of Hohenheim in Germany say they have now tested a pill which in combination with a special diet and strict feeding times should make cattle less harmful to the climate.

The pill, which is still being tested, breaks down the methane in the cows' stomachs, and also has health benefits for the cattle.

Winfried Drocher, head of the faculty for animal nutrition at the university, said: "It will make this energy available for the cows' metabolism. The cattle can use the methane to produce glucose instead of just passing it out and it will enable them to produce more milk."

The only problem at the moment is that the pill is about the size of a fist, which is hard to persuade the cows to swallow.

"It needs to be this big as it dissolves slowly, releasing active ingredients over several months. Our aim is to increase the well-being of the cows and to reduce the emission of greenhouse gasses," said Drocher. - Ananova.com

Apparently, cows are smarter than we think cause I've seen many people swallow objects the size of a fist and the outcome is usually pretty foul. (Thank you internet, Uncle Charles, and Aunt Mamie for your proficient, if not forced, guidance.)

Even a cow won't do that. Hindus worldwide nod in agreement. They just relax sphincter muscles until apocolypse comes crashing down full force on our heads. Which is my favorite part as I'm sure as is yours. We, as a race, are going to collectively burn to death from the sun's rays, drown from rising water levels, or just pass out from all the cows farting us into oblivion. Harbingers of death - cows. The second coming was not Jesus coming back to say hi, was not the Devil coming out on top in the eternal war between heaven and hell but just the California cows in that commercial, busy stinking up the world and wondering what snow is.

If the above article has truth, then first off, we have to admit that domestication and farming animals is a double edged sword. Secondly, this is a lobby to eat as much cow as humanly possible to prevent greenhouse gases, preferably while it's still raw and bloody or seared to perfection with a cold center.

I realize the cleverness of this posting just now as I make the connection of the contents in my kitchen. If you look carefully, no meat at all. Not a bit. (There might be some animal by products for all you knitpicking, doubting fuckin' Thomases, but being vegan is not a lifestyle I choose to lead. In fact, I can't. I have gout.)

And then all of sudden with keen wit, I have 180'ed the whole deal into an advocacy statement for the consumption of live animal flesh, which tastes like happy fritters in my mouth. Made of leperchauns. Or just lepers. Tasty.

So,

Would you rather die from skin cancers or feeling your heart explode inside your chest?

EAT MORE MEAT, AMERICA, YOUR LIFE DEPENDS ON IT.

I Will Swallow You Whole With My Enormous Va-Jay-Jay and You Will Quiver In Delight and Pass Out From the Exhilaration.

Okay, not really.

So I was sitting around this morning in my underwear...wait. Nope. Just a blanket, lasciviously wrapped around my body...wait. Nope. There was a lot of fumbling involved, some tripping, some trudging about in a haze, some ass-scratching, and I stepped on the dog and he yelped like the sound one makes at the high point of an intense orgasm...wait. Nope. Don't have a dog. "Dog" and "orgasm" should also never be in the same sentence.

SO I was sitting around this morning, eating some leftover eggplant roll (still kind of cold), wondering if this blog is really worth keeping up. I mean, I'm not really sure who reads it, potentially no one, and I could say that I'm doing it for myself, but that wouldn't be truthful, not that I have a serious problem with lying. I don't have a drinking problem. See? Easy.

So, any of you faithful listeners out there, if it gives you something to do while you are at work, brilliant. If it gives you some great jerk off material, so be it. If it gives you conversation topics with your grandmother, even better. If it gives your grandmother some great jerk(jill?) off material, then I'll give you 5 dollars for your troubles. So you let me know, ya hear? Oh yeah, submissions or suggested topics are also very much welcome. The ranting is a lesser problem than the topic of rant.

While we are on this whole thing though, if you recall Dan Savage held a nationwide search for a gross sexual term to be tagged to "Santorum" as in Rick Santorum. (Wikipedia works wonders for people who have trouble differentiating between the numerous politicos that will inherit the earth.) The winning definition was "the frothy mixture of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the result of anal sex."

Now, as you read earlier, I had trouble finding a good term to attach to female masturbation. Whoever comes up with the best term, I will post it on this site and advocate the use of said term to describe the act of little girls touching their dirty parts, sometimes shamefully in the back of the rectory, sometimes with the man in the clown suit at birthday parties, you know the variety. And I will do so for the rest of time. Advocate the use of the term, that is. Not practice my balloon animals.

IT IS ON!! HIT ME WITH YOUR BEST SHOT!

What I was really getting to before I began the contest and the self-doubt portion of my post stems from my conscious thoughts as I sat on subway this morning. Hentai tentacle beasts.

I love you.

You bring glee in my heart because I know there are fucked up people in the world, just like me. And there' something about tentacle beasts, although strange, I find, rather exciting.

Not in a way where I actually want to be penetrated by a squid, or in the way a farm boy might bed an animal...or is it "barn an animal" or "haystack a goat?"

But it is this perverse, twisted, animalistic behavior that really lets you know that you are alive.

I mean, if you are going to get assaulted, best it be a strange animal that just runs amok trying to stick it's grubby little fingers into any hole it can find (like that cousin that you don't really know but are acutely aware of) rather than a living breathing human being making the conscious decision to plug your orfices with a random assortment of household objects and/or body parts.

Am I right or am I right?

I'm going to stop now before I get a little too involved in discussing the merits of beast abuse over other abuse. It's just not pretty. Or is it too pretty?

Only time will tell.

If you haven't realized already, I've been vamping this entire time to bring you to this newsitem. Giant squids are fascinating. Underwater, gigantic, squiggly. They are perhaps the scariest motherfuckin' thing you could possibly encounter. And therefore the most sexually stimulating.

WELLINGTON, New Zealand - A colossal half-ton squid, believed to be the largest ever caught, may be destined for the microwave oven.

But researchers say they don’t want to cook the massive creature — just defrost it so they can study it better.

Scientists at New Zealand’s national museum, Te Papa Tongarewa, have taken possession of the beast that took fishermen two hours to land after it was netted by chance in Antarctic waters last month and was frozen soon afterward to preserve it.

Expert Steve O’Shea said the squid had weighed in at 1,089 pounds and measured 33 feet long — heavier but shorter than initial estimates of 990 pounds and 39 feet.

It appears to be by far the largest specimen of the rare and mysterious deep-water species Mesonychoteuthis hamiltoni, or colossal squid, ever caught.

Experts say the creatures, which have long been one of the most mysterious denizens of the deep ocean, may grow even bigger — up to 46 feet long.

Aggressive hunter
O’Shea said scientists at the museum are considering using a giant microwave oven as a possible way to defrost the animal so they can study it.

The mammoth squid could not be left to defrost at room temperature because the process would take days, leaving the outside to rot while the core remained frozen, he said.

At the time it was caught, O’Shea said it would make calamari rings the size of tractor tires if cut up — but they would taste like ammonia.

Colossal squid can descend to 6,500 feet and are known to be extremely active, aggressive hunters.

O’Shea said the squid is priceless to scientists, and would be worth many millions of dollars if insured.

Squids are love...


Don't you just want to stick your finger in it?

Holy Crucifix, Batman! I'm All Tied Up! Thank God You're Here! Wait...What Are You Doing? Hey, That Hurts...Wait...Do It Again.

In the news: another representation of Jesus is bleeding. This time in a policeman's house in India. Officials say that the red paint is probably melting from humidity.

"This is indeed a miracle and shows that Jesus was in pain because of our sins," said John Chrysostom, a priest at the Anglican Church of Port Blair.

Dude, for once, can it not be about you and the entire human race? Thanks. I'd like to entertain the fact that there might be some underground society painting Jesi(?)(never thought about plural jesuses...makes you think don't it? It's all very complicated.) And these men (Jesus painters are way into sausage parties. Didn't you know?) had the foreknowledge to paint the blood with red paint...the likes of which would melt in extreme conditions.

I bet they are Irish. Swashbucklers.

However, that being said, I'm trying not to discount the fact that Jesus indeed has had a huge impact on my life. And yours. Jesus has been the port in the storm on so many occasions in the trials and tribulations that develop over daily life. The ones that usually are followed by "Perhaps that was a bad idea."

He tells me that in a reality that says influential people of all colors at some point will probably be portrayed as white.

He tells me "You're not a very good person and since I have a strong hold on just a wee population (in comparison to the global population) they all be chilling in my crib in the clouds. No room for you, sucka."

He backtracks and tells me that if I do start believing, and repent all my sins, and start being good, and stop wearing a condom (or if you do, poke a hole in the tip of it and continue full force with the unsuspecting victim), then maybe, I just might be able to climb on board. Jesus's reach is a Greek hazing.

He tells me that if I do horrible things and feel really sorry for myself afterwards, I'm golden.

He tells me that wearing women's underwear is okay.

He tells me that leadership isn't an easy task. Control your disciples, keep your sects in order. At least try. And if you can't hack it, martyrdom is the way to go. Absolves you from everything.

He tells me "Ah'll be bahk."

He tells me people are created in his image. Have you looked in a mirror recently? That's Jesus talking.


Or it could be the fact that all God's children have fucked shit up a whole lot. Yeah that might be it. Jesus, you a'ight in my book. No. It's not the Bible. Oh. Right. Hmmm. Well, sure, that might be true...but have you licked an eyeball? I highly recommend it. No? Right...White Castle? Now? Uhm. Yeah, ok.

Sorry, I apologize. He does that sometimes. You just have to humor him. Anyway, continuing on...I realize that what I've been writing is perhaps a showcase of my infinite unintelligence and shallowness. If only I can find a way to dig deeper and sink my teeth into something that is underneath the surface. If there is anything there. Its a crap shoot really.

Burrowing dinosaur unearthed
Fossilized family broadens picture of extinct reptiles.
John Whitfield
The discovery of a dinosaur family fossilized in its burrow could make us rethink where the animals lived, how they behaved, and even what wiped them out, say researchers.

Well, just hold on to your britches for one second...Dino goes off and digs a little deeper and is still fuckin' extinct? Shit then. So, shallow or deep, you're fucked in the end. I'll just stop obsessing about it.

David Varricchio of Montana State University in Bozeman and his colleagues found the jumbled remains of two juveniles and an adult together in what looks to be the remains of a custom-built hole in southern Montana.

The discovery provides the first evidence that dinosaurs could burrow, and the best evidence yet for long-term parental care in dinosaurs, says team member Anthony Martin, an expert in animal traces at Emory University in Atlanta, Georgia. "I imagine that two juveniles curled up in a small space with an adult," he says.

The team has named the beast Oryctodromeus cubicularis, meaning 'digging runner of the lair'. It belongs to a group of small herbivorous dinosaurs, and lived 95 million years ago during the mid-Cretaceous period.

The skeletons are incomplete, but they show that when fully grown, the animal was about 2.1 metres long, of which more than half was tail. The dinosaur had a broad snout and powerful shoulders well adapted for digging, and sturdy hips that would help it to brace itself as it dug. It could also run on its back legs.

Secret entrance

The burrow's presence was betrayed by a patch of rock that differed from its surroundings, in an area known to contain dinosaur fossils. The burrow seems to have been dug on the edge of a river flood plain and filled with mud during a flood, burying its occupants, the researchers report in Proceedings of the Royal Society1.

The den was just over two metres long, with a pronounced s-bend — making it harder for predators to enter — opening out into a terminal chamber. The close fit between the sizes of burrow and beast convinced the team that Oryctodromeus had dug its own den, rather than simply displacing a previous occupant. "It's not just a random attempt," says Martin. "It's very well constructed."

"It was generally assumed that dinosaurs wouldn't dig — they tend to be either runners or very large," says palaeontologist Paul Barrett of the Natural History Museum, London. "This is quite a departure."

Varricchio and his colleagues had previously found what seemed to be a family of dinosaurs in what could have been a collapsed burrow in China (see 'Fossil hints at devoted parenting in dinosaurs'), but no one had seen an actual tunnel space until now.

Safe underground

Burrowing may have helped dinosaurs to survive in harsh climates, increasing the range of habitats available to them. No one knows exactly what the environment of this part of the world was like when these dinosaurs lived there, although it was probably semi-arid.

Related dinosaurs are known to have lived in southern Australia, which was close to the South Pole at the time, and South Africa, which was hot and dry. These species and locations would be good places to look for further evidence of burrowing, says Barrett.

The lack of an ability to burrow has also been suggested as a factor in the demise of dinosaurs 65 million years ago, at the end of the Cretaceous. Many of the mammals, reptiles and amphibians that survived a mass extinction at this time could burrow, perhaps sheltering them from whatever catastrophe caused the massive cull.

"The absence of burrowing has been proposed as one reason why dinosaurs didn't make it," says Martin. "You can't use that as a reason now."

Using one specimen to speculate about the dinosaurs' extinction is "quite a big inference", says Barrett. "It might be taking the data too far," he cautions.

Ah but a guy can dream can't he?

Hola Mo'fuggers! Year of the Pig Rears It's Ugly Head

BORN IN CHINA!!! It's like Charlotte's Web, Asian edition. You know we'll eat it no matter what it looks like. That's some pig, alright.

One, Two, Three, Let's Make Up for the Sexual Proclivities of the Masses

I'm not quite sure what that title means but I just thought it sounded funny. If I really think about it, I think it is an attempt to overthrow the men and women who are "missonary for life" - a term I coined in the warm embrace of highschool pubescence meaning "someone who will always and eternally only have sex in the missionary position."

However, that really isn't the point of this little entry o' mine. It's just an entry point to the entry. Ha! Mind boggling, I know.

Sometimes, writing is hard. We all know that. And it can be painful. Like the sexual proclivities of the masses. So this was what I was going through, as evidenced by witnessing this chat transcript. You can almost hear my tortured soul crying out for help, searching for a friend, a shoulder to support my crumbling weight, and all I get is "D." He/she can't bear the weight, just look:

me: i can't think of something to rant about
D: how about grad school
and how you're not in it
how about small apples
can't stand small apples
or even worse, small oranges
like clementines?
why they gotta be sold in crates, i can't eat that many
And that orange webbing they put on it? misleading!
makes the oranges look really good but they don't really
although i guess you can make neat arts and crafts out of them
me: hmm
nah.
hmm
something. i need to do some research for topics.
D:I hate you
you're stupid
small oranges are super stupid
ok i guess i don't really hate you
i just hate small oranges
why do they have to taste so good?
me: i think i should just post your rant.
Dennis: I think you should reveal small oranges as the bitches they are.

So I am not going to talk about oranges or clementines but I will say that they are quite tasty and peel very easily, which in this day in age is highly necessary. Tell all the people having unsafe sex that a South African man has developed a condom that you can slip on in merely seconds - for you shooters in the express lane of life.

But, now that I have made this entire entry into a convoluted examination of life and love at large, I will swing it back to what I love most:

"UK Scientists to examine undersea "open wound" in Earth's crust."

(If you don't get the reference then we need to have a talk.)

A team of British scientists has set sail on a voyage to examine why a huge chunk of the earth's crust is missing, deep under the Atlantic Ocean -- a phenomenon that challenges conventional ideas about how the earth works.

The 20-strong team aims to survey an area some 3,000 to 4,000 metres deep where the mantle -- the deep interior of the earth normally covered by a crust kilometres thick -- is exposed on the sea floor.

Experts describe the hole along the mid-Atlantic ridge as an "open wound" on the ocean floor that has puzzled scientists for the five or so years that its existence has been known because it defies existing tectonic plate theories of evolution.

"We know so little about it," said Bramley Murton, a senior research scientist at Southampton's National Oceanography Center.

"It's a real challenge to our established understanding of what the earth's surface looks like underneath the waves," he told Reuters by telephone from the brand new, hi-tech British research ship RRS James Cook.

Mid ocean ridges are places where new oceanic crust is born, with red-hot lava spewing out along the seafloor.

What scientists are keen to know is whether the crust was ripped away by huge geological faults, or whether it never even developed in the first place.

The primary motivation for the project was to understand how the earth continues to evolve.

"The area that we are looking at is part of a mountain range that spans thousands of square kilometres, but we are beginning to realize that there are probably millions of square kilometres where the ocean floor is missing," Murton said.

The six week mission, led by geophysicist Roger Searle of Durham University and Chris MacLeod of Cardiff University's School of Earth, Ocean and Planetary Sciences, will recover sample cores of rock by drilling into the mantle using a rig lowered on to the sea floor.

Asked if the discovery posed a threat to the environment, Murton replied: "It's not problematic for the earth because it is a natural earth process -- but in terms of knowing how the earth works and how the world is put together it is important."

Murton also said the expedition would shed light on the composition of sea water amongst other initiatives.

Crust formation is a fundamental mechanism of the earth which affects the chemistry of the world's oceans.

20 men plunging into the deep dark secrets locked in an open wound underwater.

I smell a movie. One of those you can watch in a booth in five minute intervals for a quarter.

Not that I would know.

People at Your Job Make Your Job Tolerable So Rise From the Pits of Despair, Kiddos.

I stole this from another blog that took it from the Guardian. I know. Lame.

Edward Hallowell, a doctor in Massachusetts, said that a failure to switch off from work was driving stress levels up, a problem exacerbated by the modern addiction to gadgets such as Blackberrys. One patient asked if it was normal for her husband to put his Blackberry on the pillow while they made love. "Just as we learned how to drink responsibly, so we need to learn to use technology," he said.

Other research is slowly revealing some unusual tricks to relieve stress. Tests by George Preti at the Monell Chemical Senses Centre in Philadelphia found that female volunteers felt less tense after sniffing armpit sweat, although he has so far been unable to explain the discovery.

Oh yeah, Anna Nicole is dead.

Romeo and Juliet, Trapped in a Love Nest Outside Verona, Could Be Related

From the Associated Press.
It's pretty.
So I am sharing.
Just the image.
Not the sentiment.

Fossilization makes you want to cream sometimes. By you I mean me. And by sometimes I mean all the time. Although this might not be fossilized. Meh, it does the same thing.

Oh yeah! I guess this qualifies under dancing skeletons! CELEBRATE.

Although Not November 1st, (Dia de los Muertos, you gringos) Commemorate with Dancing Skeletons!!

We open the festivities with a little video by Miho Hatori, the singing half of disbanded Alt-something group Cibo Matto. This is her single, Barracuda, off her solo album, Ecdysis. Brilliant album and album title. See below for definition, courtesy of Merriam-Webster online. I love you.



Main Entry: ec·dy·sis
Pronunciation: \ˈek-də-səs\
Function: noun
Inflected Form(s): plural ec·dy·ses
Etymology: New Latin, from Greek ekdysis act of getting out, from ekdyein to strip, from ex- + dyein to enter, don
Date: circa 1854

: the act of molting or shedding an outer cuticular layer

HOW COOL IS THAT? Skeletons and arthropodic shedding! My life is complete. No, too bold. My life has been handed the hall pass so that I can take a piss and wander the halls for a few sweet minutes.

More skeletones later, cajones.