There are No Words to Describe the Amount of Stimulation My Rods and Cones Get When I Open My Non-Eyelids.

It's not surprising that the news of the aftermath (be it about Virginia Tech or American Idol) is dominating headlines, much in the way Anna Nicole Smith is drinking a TrimSpa Martini in her pink vomit stained slippers laughing at all of us from the pearly gates - overpowering, slightly tingly, and a borderline freakshow.

I'm not trying to say that these things are inconsequential. (For the most part they are but I'm trying to straddle a fence here and my legs are too short and the fence posts are skewering my balls and my ass simultaneously and that is just not a good way to go.)

What I'm saying is: Dwell for a bit and move on. That being said, with media and sad, tormented people spewing forth like a pox on the world (or just the States) I bring you something from the other hemisphere.

Herpes hits 132 racehorses in Hong Kong

HONG KONG: A strain of equine herpes has infected 132 racehorses in Hong Kong, host of equestrian events at the 2008 Olympics, the South China Morning Post has reported.

Equestrian events were switched from host city Beijing to Hong Kong because of difficulties in establishing a disease-free zone in mainland China and this outbreak is certain to raise concerns about the suitability of Hong Kong.

For now, containment measures at the Hong Kong Jockey Club in Shatin in the New Territories appeared to be working and there was no obvious threat of the outbreak worsening, the newspaper quoted Brian Stewart, head of veterinary regulation and international liaison, as saying.

"The horses are showing elevated temperatures but they seem to have recovered after a couple of days of rest. Overall, the symptoms are very mild," Stewart said.

The club was not immediately available for comment.

The viral outbreak comes as Hong Kong police investigate a device that was found embedded in the city's other horse track turf in Happy Valley in late March.

The device, which was uncovered during a routine check, was designed to shoot poison darts into horses at the start of a race.

The plot shocked the city and the Beijing Olympics equestrian chief in Hong Kong quickly pledged that security would be tight for the 2008 Games.

My love for this is simple. There is a man, or an organization, plotting to take over the world by spreading herpes though the competitive equine population. How he spreads the disease, I'd rather not discuss for I am not an expert, but if I'm allowed to have a dinner party where I get to invite anyone I would like, Catherine the Great will definitely make the short list. In court, an expert opinion can go a long way. I feel like watching Pinky and the Brain.

On a different note, as I was writing this entry from a sun soaked (finally! oh wait, it's gone.) room in NY, I realized that once again, I'm trying to straddle the fence. I seem to enjoy it more than I thought I did. There are definite parallels between poison darts in horses and recent events. And the question all of a sudden became: do I continue on, as put forth earlier, and pretend I didn't notice, or do I all of a sudden have to find cutesy, non-threatening, silly fun time news that won't in any way contribute to our collective psyche? And in doing so, am I compromising? And in admitting those thoughts in writing, am I compromising?

S'pose so. I think I'll just go get some coffee and shut the fuck up. My brain hurts.

It's a Knee Jerk Reaction But I Guess That Doesn't Negate the Fact That I Piddled on your Sandwich

I am attempting to move as quickly as I write this blog so that the words "enormous va-jay-jay" won't be on the top of the page. I'm a little conscious of who might accidently come across the page and think that I have a vagina, which would be a natural progression since I have a set of ovaries already but to boldly state that I have a vagina would be jumping the gun.

I feel that the past few times I have started an entry it always begins with "so I was sitting..." You'd think that I'd have a huge fucking ass and maybe some bed sores from all the sitting, but hey, why stop now? So I'm sitting here and my face is really dry. From the winter months which are just now gradually working their ways away until spring will offically grace us for...3 weeks and then it will be hot and humid summer.

Fuckers. The lot of them.

Contents of my fridge: Miso, tofu, pickled ginger, a grapefruit, broccoli, mustard, butter (do you keep butter in the fridge?), homemade broth stewed lovingly over hours and hours. a veggie burger, some mushrooms, a lemon, yogurt, salsa, cheese, heel of a loaf of bread, olives

Contents of my pantry: tomato puree, sugar (3 kinds), salt, flour, dark chocolate bark, Arborio rice, Sushi rice, canned black beans, chickpeas, quinoa, barley, cornmeal, polenta (same thing), nori, pinenuts, slivered almonds.

Contents of my soul:







Iceberg lettuce.

So I read this the other day and I thought I would share because my verbal flatulence needs to be contained and I have found the solution.

Berlin - German scientists have developed a pill that stops cattle breaking wind.

Methane emissions from cattle are responsible for four percent of harmful greenhouse gas emissions, and any reduction would be a major contribution to reducing global warming.

Scientists at the University of Hohenheim in Germany say they have now tested a pill which in combination with a special diet and strict feeding times should make cattle less harmful to the climate.

The pill, which is still being tested, breaks down the methane in the cows' stomachs, and also has health benefits for the cattle.

Winfried Drocher, head of the faculty for animal nutrition at the university, said: "It will make this energy available for the cows' metabolism. The cattle can use the methane to produce glucose instead of just passing it out and it will enable them to produce more milk."

The only problem at the moment is that the pill is about the size of a fist, which is hard to persuade the cows to swallow.

"It needs to be this big as it dissolves slowly, releasing active ingredients over several months. Our aim is to increase the well-being of the cows and to reduce the emission of greenhouse gasses," said Drocher. - Ananova.com

Apparently, cows are smarter than we think cause I've seen many people swallow objects the size of a fist and the outcome is usually pretty foul. (Thank you internet, Uncle Charles, and Aunt Mamie for your proficient, if not forced, guidance.)

Even a cow won't do that. Hindus worldwide nod in agreement. They just relax sphincter muscles until apocolypse comes crashing down full force on our heads. Which is my favorite part as I'm sure as is yours. We, as a race, are going to collectively burn to death from the sun's rays, drown from rising water levels, or just pass out from all the cows farting us into oblivion. Harbingers of death - cows. The second coming was not Jesus coming back to say hi, was not the Devil coming out on top in the eternal war between heaven and hell but just the California cows in that commercial, busy stinking up the world and wondering what snow is.

If the above article has truth, then first off, we have to admit that domestication and farming animals is a double edged sword. Secondly, this is a lobby to eat as much cow as humanly possible to prevent greenhouse gases, preferably while it's still raw and bloody or seared to perfection with a cold center.

I realize the cleverness of this posting just now as I make the connection of the contents in my kitchen. If you look carefully, no meat at all. Not a bit. (There might be some animal by products for all you knitpicking, doubting fuckin' Thomases, but being vegan is not a lifestyle I choose to lead. In fact, I can't. I have gout.)

And then all of sudden with keen wit, I have 180'ed the whole deal into an advocacy statement for the consumption of live animal flesh, which tastes like happy fritters in my mouth. Made of leperchauns. Or just lepers. Tasty.

So,

Would you rather die from skin cancers or feeling your heart explode inside your chest?

EAT MORE MEAT, AMERICA, YOUR LIFE DEPENDS ON IT.

I Will Swallow You Whole With My Enormous Va-Jay-Jay and You Will Quiver In Delight and Pass Out From the Exhilaration.

Okay, not really.

So I was sitting around this morning in my underwear...wait. Nope. Just a blanket, lasciviously wrapped around my body...wait. Nope. There was a lot of fumbling involved, some tripping, some trudging about in a haze, some ass-scratching, and I stepped on the dog and he yelped like the sound one makes at the high point of an intense orgasm...wait. Nope. Don't have a dog. "Dog" and "orgasm" should also never be in the same sentence.

SO I was sitting around this morning, eating some leftover eggplant roll (still kind of cold), wondering if this blog is really worth keeping up. I mean, I'm not really sure who reads it, potentially no one, and I could say that I'm doing it for myself, but that wouldn't be truthful, not that I have a serious problem with lying. I don't have a drinking problem. See? Easy.

So, any of you faithful listeners out there, if it gives you something to do while you are at work, brilliant. If it gives you some great jerk off material, so be it. If it gives you conversation topics with your grandmother, even better. If it gives your grandmother some great jerk(jill?) off material, then I'll give you 5 dollars for your troubles. So you let me know, ya hear? Oh yeah, submissions or suggested topics are also very much welcome. The ranting is a lesser problem than the topic of rant.

While we are on this whole thing though, if you recall Dan Savage held a nationwide search for a gross sexual term to be tagged to "Santorum" as in Rick Santorum. (Wikipedia works wonders for people who have trouble differentiating between the numerous politicos that will inherit the earth.) The winning definition was "the frothy mixture of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the result of anal sex."

Now, as you read earlier, I had trouble finding a good term to attach to female masturbation. Whoever comes up with the best term, I will post it on this site and advocate the use of said term to describe the act of little girls touching their dirty parts, sometimes shamefully in the back of the rectory, sometimes with the man in the clown suit at birthday parties, you know the variety. And I will do so for the rest of time. Advocate the use of the term, that is. Not practice my balloon animals.

IT IS ON!! HIT ME WITH YOUR BEST SHOT!

What I was really getting to before I began the contest and the self-doubt portion of my post stems from my conscious thoughts as I sat on subway this morning. Hentai tentacle beasts.

I love you.

You bring glee in my heart because I know there are fucked up people in the world, just like me. And there' something about tentacle beasts, although strange, I find, rather exciting.

Not in a way where I actually want to be penetrated by a squid, or in the way a farm boy might bed an animal...or is it "barn an animal" or "haystack a goat?"

But it is this perverse, twisted, animalistic behavior that really lets you know that you are alive.

I mean, if you are going to get assaulted, best it be a strange animal that just runs amok trying to stick it's grubby little fingers into any hole it can find (like that cousin that you don't really know but are acutely aware of) rather than a living breathing human being making the conscious decision to plug your orfices with a random assortment of household objects and/or body parts.

Am I right or am I right?

I'm going to stop now before I get a little too involved in discussing the merits of beast abuse over other abuse. It's just not pretty. Or is it too pretty?

Only time will tell.

If you haven't realized already, I've been vamping this entire time to bring you to this newsitem. Giant squids are fascinating. Underwater, gigantic, squiggly. They are perhaps the scariest motherfuckin' thing you could possibly encounter. And therefore the most sexually stimulating.

WELLINGTON, New Zealand - A colossal half-ton squid, believed to be the largest ever caught, may be destined for the microwave oven.

But researchers say they don’t want to cook the massive creature — just defrost it so they can study it better.

Scientists at New Zealand’s national museum, Te Papa Tongarewa, have taken possession of the beast that took fishermen two hours to land after it was netted by chance in Antarctic waters last month and was frozen soon afterward to preserve it.

Expert Steve O’Shea said the squid had weighed in at 1,089 pounds and measured 33 feet long — heavier but shorter than initial estimates of 990 pounds and 39 feet.

It appears to be by far the largest specimen of the rare and mysterious deep-water species Mesonychoteuthis hamiltoni, or colossal squid, ever caught.

Experts say the creatures, which have long been one of the most mysterious denizens of the deep ocean, may grow even bigger — up to 46 feet long.

Aggressive hunter
O’Shea said scientists at the museum are considering using a giant microwave oven as a possible way to defrost the animal so they can study it.

The mammoth squid could not be left to defrost at room temperature because the process would take days, leaving the outside to rot while the core remained frozen, he said.

At the time it was caught, O’Shea said it would make calamari rings the size of tractor tires if cut up — but they would taste like ammonia.

Colossal squid can descend to 6,500 feet and are known to be extremely active, aggressive hunters.

O’Shea said the squid is priceless to scientists, and would be worth many millions of dollars if insured.

Squids are love...


Don't you just want to stick your finger in it?

Nosferatu Family Vacay: The Undead Indestructible Gay Meth Queen Slips into Dar Es Salaam. And a Little More to Boot(y).

Continuing news filtering in from the animal kingdom -

Breaking news? Not really. But it broke a few things, mainly my steely exterior of undeniable fortitude. And now, as a result, I have a grin that stretches across my face like that newscaster lady in the first Batman starring Michael Keaton, Kim Basinger, and the ultimate joker of all time - Jack Nicholson.

Let's see if Heath Ledger is up to scratch. (He's going to be the new Joker for those of you who aren't keeping up on the comic agenda.) Heath, let it be known that if you fail, which you might because broody Christian Bale Batman is so much cooler than you, I will eat your baby. Mathilda Rose, or Baby-Lou Eatme or whatever the fuck antiquated name you and your hipster wife named her while you skated on your skateboard in Brooklyn with a big ole hemp beanie on your noggin. Might I remind you that before people thought you were legitimate, you graced the screens as a turd-monkey jouster and a priest who liked the feeling of that thing up your butt. (What thing is it? Multiple choice for all! A. Broomstick B. Crucifix C. Jesus D. The Hand of God)

Anyway, back to my original plan of attack. Here is a new news item from the BBC. I think it shows a lot of journalistic integrity.

Men in parts of Tanzania's main city, Dar es Salaam, are living in fear of a night-time sex attacker.

A BBC correspondent says the attacks are being blamed by some on a demon called "Popo Bawa" meaning winged bat.

Some men are staying awake or sleeping in groups outside their homes. Others are smearing themselves with pig's oil, believing this repels attacks.

Reports of the demon's existence have been common for many years in Zanzibar, where locals claim it originated.

The BBC's John Ngahyoma in Dar es Salaam says not many people actually believe that the demon exists and there have been no sightings.

But Mbaruku Ibrahim, who hails from Zanzibar, says the story of the demon is common there and people in his village on Pemba island sleep beside a huge fire outside their houses whenever it is said to appear.

The story goes that the bat is able to transform itself into a man at night and it has also been blamed for rapes of women.

Sheikh Yahya Hussein, a prominent astrologer in Tanzania, claims that the demon is a spirit that is unleashed by witches to torment their opponents.

Belief in witchcraft and superstitions is widespread in Tanzania, especially in rural areas.

So, check it, first off, the BBC is posting news about an evil Transmogrified Man Raping Bat. That has to make you wonder if FOX News might, just might, be a little more legitimate than we previously assumed. I know, a little far fetched but think about Mr. Ledger and then answer the question truthfully. Ok, yeah, I see your point.

Secondly, the men are afraid of getting it up the butt. So they decided to sleep in groups with each other? In Pig's oil? I think there's more than meets the eye. Something tells me an old White wrinkly colonial Freemason started a conspiracy many years ago so that men could fuck each other under the guise of an ass demon. If you hold a blacklight on the victims you'll find the next clue. Or cumstains. or both. or cumstains in the shape of a clue. Or a clue in the cumstain. Either way, Tom Hanks, you know you love it.

Thirdly, "the story of the demon is common." Do I really need to say more?

Now for a little sex ed. (And I am not your gym teacher. But I am friends with many "Friends of Gym Teachers" if you get my drift, but that's not the point.)

Anal intercourse is not a gay thing. According to Wikipedia, anal sex is "often used to mean the insertion of the penis into the rectum." Furthermore,

There is a common misconception that anal sex is practised almost exclusively by gay men, but this is not true. It is thought that an estimated one third of male couples do not include anal intercourse in their lovemaking. About one third of heterosexual couples try it from time to time. It is thought that about 10 per cent of heterosexual couples have anal intercourse as a regular feature of their lovemaking. In absolute numbers, it is hypothesized that more heterosexual couples have anal sex than homosexual couples.

As all people should know is that when it comes to anal penetration, you have the option of using a synthetic penetration device - whether you are on the receiving or giving end. Or both.

Just remember, if you are curious, just take it slow and safe. And you will be a happy man, woman, intersex, trans, MTF, FTM individual. (At some point, there are just too many to include to be inclusive.)

For more info regarding safe anal play, visit babeland to seek out a good introductory guide

For your amusement regarding the stupidity of the world, visit here or here.

BUT! The Bat demon knows all the intricacies of analplay: He's all inclusive! "It has also been blamed for rapes of women." The main thing it forgets is the whole notion of consent.

BUT! If the Bat is an animal, then technically the human end is committing bestial sodomy, so really, who is the victim?

Ahh, all these conundrums in life brought forth by one little article about a horny Tanzanian bat (or man wearing bat wings made of canvas.)

We ask, in conclusion, are you enriched? Can YOU get a PopoZao? If you know what I'm referencing, then it's time the Popo Bawa pays a visit in your bunghole. Or it's time to get all Popo Bawa on your ass.

I slay me. And my Joker grin lives on.