So I polished off a bottle of cheap wine by myself the other day. Alone. I have to admit. Sometimes drinking alone is not a bad thing. In fact, it's pretty intensely fun if you're in the mood. To drink alone. At night. In your apartment. By yourself.
And then finding yourself masturbating on the hard wood floor. Gratifying. (In all seriousness, it's quite fun and is a good way to pass the time. Then again, when is masturbation not?)
But, then you wake up in the morning, and, given, I have some strange constitution that leaves me hang-over free, it doesn't help the fact that you have that weird sulfite, fermentation mouth that even a good brushing doesn't get rid of.
So I sit here, dry mouthed, in hopes that it will go away as the day goes on.
MECHANIC Chris Donald loves his work — he has sex with CARS.
And he admitted last night: “Some men like boobs and bums, but I much prefer curvy bodywork.”
Chris, 38, has a recognised psychological condition that makes him physically attracted to motors.
He has had sex with more than 30 different models in 20 years — plus two motorboats and a pal’s JETSKI.
Chris, who DOES have a girlfriend, confessed: “A nice car for me is a feast for the senses. It’s about smells, feelings and tastes. If I see a gorgeous Mercedes I know I’d love to jump into bed with it.”
His weird obsession mirrors that of electrician Karl Watkins, who The Sun revealed was jailed for having sex with pavements in Redditch, Worcs, in 1993.
Chris has his own website devoted to his bizarre fetish — and claims there are 500 other cranks like him, including women.
But unlike doggers who have sex with strangers in chilly car parks, the motor engineer uses a heated and carpeted double garage at his home for the strange liaisons.
He has met more than 20 people online who have driven their cars over for a service.
Most like to video Chris exhausting himself — while they are pleasuring THEMSELVES.
Chris said: “It’s all about imagination and creativity. There’s more to car love than exhaust pipes. Stroking the body panels and delicate touching makes excellent foreplay.”
And he bragged: “I did have the exhausts custom made for one car because they were too small. I had them widened and rounded.
“The firm never asked why — but I loved the view while she was up on the ramp and they were working on her. I love all aspects of cars. Some people even like to taste mechanical fluids, but that’s going too far.”
Chris, who lives in the West Country, has made love to top motors including a Bentley Arnage, Porsche and Jaguar XK8.
He has also owned a string of cars that have been the object of his affections — with the latest a black 2.5litre Jaguar X-Type with cream leather upholstery.
Chris writes stories about “auto-eroticism” on his website and has penned a manual called How To Make Love To A Car.
Now, cmon, really? It's not like the world isn't full of weird fetishes. I understand that. And I applaud anyone who has and willingly comes forth with their fetishes but there's something about this story that is just a tad awry. I read it with a thoughtful squint that many Asians are loathe to do lest their eyes become mere slits that make take on the appearance of joyful Buddha. Although not as joyful. Or fat. With less chance of heart disease.
I would now like to take note of a few comments made by this man as well as the press.
First and foremost, "a recognised psychological condition that makes him physically attracted to motors." Is that just a socially acceptable term for fetish? And since when have we decided to make fetish sound like disease? I have a condition. I like to stick my finger in rotisserie chickens. So if i get it psychologically recognized, I can call it a condition and not something I'm really turned on by and therefore less of a social taboo?
And did I say dead chickens? I mean. I like...people. Live people. Live people sex is lovely. Not chicken carcass...mmm...carcass...
And the fact that some newspaper decided that this was news is equally...well, who's surprised?
Secondly, "Chris has his own website devoted to his bizarre fetish — and claims there are 500 other cranks like him, including women."
Is it strange that women have psychological conditions? Judging from many women I have met in my life...they usually travel with more than one - some say equal to the amount of baggage they would bring on board a plane.
500 people do not a condition make. In fact, that's barely a fetish. Chris, get your facts straight. All you have is the rights to the Unrated DVD version of Disney Pixar's Hit Animated Movie, Cars featuring the voice talents of Owen Wilson and Randy Newman.
"And he bragged: 'I did have the exhausts custom made for one car because they were too small. I had them widened and rounded...Some people even like to taste mechanical fluids, but that’s going too far."
Uhm, that's fine and good. But nothing aside from my family's old Ford Taurus is going to experience that now are they. And why is tasting too far?
If you want to fuck a car, more power to you. But something about this guy irks me. And I can't tell what. Maybe it's just the photo of him trolling the parking lots.
Or the fact that he has the money to own several cars. Ass munch.
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