It's a Knee Jerk Reaction But I Guess That Doesn't Negate the Fact That I Piddled on your Sandwich

I am attempting to move as quickly as I write this blog so that the words "enormous va-jay-jay" won't be on the top of the page. I'm a little conscious of who might accidently come across the page and think that I have a vagina, which would be a natural progression since I have a set of ovaries already but to boldly state that I have a vagina would be jumping the gun.

I feel that the past few times I have started an entry it always begins with "so I was sitting..." You'd think that I'd have a huge fucking ass and maybe some bed sores from all the sitting, but hey, why stop now? So I'm sitting here and my face is really dry. From the winter months which are just now gradually working their ways away until spring will offically grace us for...3 weeks and then it will be hot and humid summer.

Fuckers. The lot of them.

Contents of my fridge: Miso, tofu, pickled ginger, a grapefruit, broccoli, mustard, butter (do you keep butter in the fridge?), homemade broth stewed lovingly over hours and hours. a veggie burger, some mushrooms, a lemon, yogurt, salsa, cheese, heel of a loaf of bread, olives

Contents of my pantry: tomato puree, sugar (3 kinds), salt, flour, dark chocolate bark, Arborio rice, Sushi rice, canned black beans, chickpeas, quinoa, barley, cornmeal, polenta (same thing), nori, pinenuts, slivered almonds.

Contents of my soul:







Iceberg lettuce.

So I read this the other day and I thought I would share because my verbal flatulence needs to be contained and I have found the solution.

Berlin - German scientists have developed a pill that stops cattle breaking wind.

Methane emissions from cattle are responsible for four percent of harmful greenhouse gas emissions, and any reduction would be a major contribution to reducing global warming.

Scientists at the University of Hohenheim in Germany say they have now tested a pill which in combination with a special diet and strict feeding times should make cattle less harmful to the climate.

The pill, which is still being tested, breaks down the methane in the cows' stomachs, and also has health benefits for the cattle.

Winfried Drocher, head of the faculty for animal nutrition at the university, said: "It will make this energy available for the cows' metabolism. The cattle can use the methane to produce glucose instead of just passing it out and it will enable them to produce more milk."

The only problem at the moment is that the pill is about the size of a fist, which is hard to persuade the cows to swallow.

"It needs to be this big as it dissolves slowly, releasing active ingredients over several months. Our aim is to increase the well-being of the cows and to reduce the emission of greenhouse gasses," said Drocher. - Ananova.com

Apparently, cows are smarter than we think cause I've seen many people swallow objects the size of a fist and the outcome is usually pretty foul. (Thank you internet, Uncle Charles, and Aunt Mamie for your proficient, if not forced, guidance.)

Even a cow won't do that. Hindus worldwide nod in agreement. They just relax sphincter muscles until apocolypse comes crashing down full force on our heads. Which is my favorite part as I'm sure as is yours. We, as a race, are going to collectively burn to death from the sun's rays, drown from rising water levels, or just pass out from all the cows farting us into oblivion. Harbingers of death - cows. The second coming was not Jesus coming back to say hi, was not the Devil coming out on top in the eternal war between heaven and hell but just the California cows in that commercial, busy stinking up the world and wondering what snow is.

If the above article has truth, then first off, we have to admit that domestication and farming animals is a double edged sword. Secondly, this is a lobby to eat as much cow as humanly possible to prevent greenhouse gases, preferably while it's still raw and bloody or seared to perfection with a cold center.

I realize the cleverness of this posting just now as I make the connection of the contents in my kitchen. If you look carefully, no meat at all. Not a bit. (There might be some animal by products for all you knitpicking, doubting fuckin' Thomases, but being vegan is not a lifestyle I choose to lead. In fact, I can't. I have gout.)

And then all of sudden with keen wit, I have 180'ed the whole deal into an advocacy statement for the consumption of live animal flesh, which tastes like happy fritters in my mouth. Made of leperchauns. Or just lepers. Tasty.

So,

Would you rather die from skin cancers or feeling your heart explode inside your chest?

EAT MORE MEAT, AMERICA, YOUR LIFE DEPENDS ON IT.