I Will Swallow You Whole With My Enormous Va-Jay-Jay and You Will Quiver In Delight and Pass Out From the Exhilaration.

Okay, not really.

So I was sitting around this morning in my underwear...wait. Nope. Just a blanket, lasciviously wrapped around my body...wait. Nope. There was a lot of fumbling involved, some tripping, some trudging about in a haze, some ass-scratching, and I stepped on the dog and he yelped like the sound one makes at the high point of an intense orgasm...wait. Nope. Don't have a dog. "Dog" and "orgasm" should also never be in the same sentence.

SO I was sitting around this morning, eating some leftover eggplant roll (still kind of cold), wondering if this blog is really worth keeping up. I mean, I'm not really sure who reads it, potentially no one, and I could say that I'm doing it for myself, but that wouldn't be truthful, not that I have a serious problem with lying. I don't have a drinking problem. See? Easy.

So, any of you faithful listeners out there, if it gives you something to do while you are at work, brilliant. If it gives you some great jerk off material, so be it. If it gives you conversation topics with your grandmother, even better. If it gives your grandmother some great jerk(jill?) off material, then I'll give you 5 dollars for your troubles. So you let me know, ya hear? Oh yeah, submissions or suggested topics are also very much welcome. The ranting is a lesser problem than the topic of rant.

While we are on this whole thing though, if you recall Dan Savage held a nationwide search for a gross sexual term to be tagged to "Santorum" as in Rick Santorum. (Wikipedia works wonders for people who have trouble differentiating between the numerous politicos that will inherit the earth.) The winning definition was "the frothy mixture of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the result of anal sex."

Now, as you read earlier, I had trouble finding a good term to attach to female masturbation. Whoever comes up with the best term, I will post it on this site and advocate the use of said term to describe the act of little girls touching their dirty parts, sometimes shamefully in the back of the rectory, sometimes with the man in the clown suit at birthday parties, you know the variety. And I will do so for the rest of time. Advocate the use of the term, that is. Not practice my balloon animals.

IT IS ON!! HIT ME WITH YOUR BEST SHOT!

What I was really getting to before I began the contest and the self-doubt portion of my post stems from my conscious thoughts as I sat on subway this morning. Hentai tentacle beasts.

I love you.

You bring glee in my heart because I know there are fucked up people in the world, just like me. And there' something about tentacle beasts, although strange, I find, rather exciting.

Not in a way where I actually want to be penetrated by a squid, or in the way a farm boy might bed an animal...or is it "barn an animal" or "haystack a goat?"

But it is this perverse, twisted, animalistic behavior that really lets you know that you are alive.

I mean, if you are going to get assaulted, best it be a strange animal that just runs amok trying to stick it's grubby little fingers into any hole it can find (like that cousin that you don't really know but are acutely aware of) rather than a living breathing human being making the conscious decision to plug your orfices with a random assortment of household objects and/or body parts.

Am I right or am I right?

I'm going to stop now before I get a little too involved in discussing the merits of beast abuse over other abuse. It's just not pretty. Or is it too pretty?

Only time will tell.

If you haven't realized already, I've been vamping this entire time to bring you to this newsitem. Giant squids are fascinating. Underwater, gigantic, squiggly. They are perhaps the scariest motherfuckin' thing you could possibly encounter. And therefore the most sexually stimulating.

WELLINGTON, New Zealand - A colossal half-ton squid, believed to be the largest ever caught, may be destined for the microwave oven.

But researchers say they don’t want to cook the massive creature — just defrost it so they can study it better.

Scientists at New Zealand’s national museum, Te Papa Tongarewa, have taken possession of the beast that took fishermen two hours to land after it was netted by chance in Antarctic waters last month and was frozen soon afterward to preserve it.

Expert Steve O’Shea said the squid had weighed in at 1,089 pounds and measured 33 feet long — heavier but shorter than initial estimates of 990 pounds and 39 feet.

It appears to be by far the largest specimen of the rare and mysterious deep-water species Mesonychoteuthis hamiltoni, or colossal squid, ever caught.

Experts say the creatures, which have long been one of the most mysterious denizens of the deep ocean, may grow even bigger — up to 46 feet long.

Aggressive hunter
O’Shea said scientists at the museum are considering using a giant microwave oven as a possible way to defrost the animal so they can study it.

The mammoth squid could not be left to defrost at room temperature because the process would take days, leaving the outside to rot while the core remained frozen, he said.

At the time it was caught, O’Shea said it would make calamari rings the size of tractor tires if cut up — but they would taste like ammonia.

Colossal squid can descend to 6,500 feet and are known to be extremely active, aggressive hunters.

O’Shea said the squid is priceless to scientists, and would be worth many millions of dollars if insured.

Squids are love...


Don't you just want to stick your finger in it?