The World is a Better Place For There are Scalding Hot Toaster Treats Enough to Share. I Hate Toaster Treats. They Taste Like The Growth On My Toe.

Uhm point blank. Read this.

Scuffle over strudel ends in stabbing
The Salt Lake Tribune
A man was stabbed Monday after a fight over a pastry in West Valley City. Roommates at a residence near 7200 West and 2680 South began arguing over who ate someone else's toaster strudel, said police Capt. Tom McLachlan. One roommate left the residence and returned about 11 p.m. with three friends. The four began assaulting two roommates, McLachlan said. During the melee, one of the roommates under attack grabbed a knife and stabbed one of his attackers in the side, McLachlan said. The stabbed man was flown to University Hospital in serious condition. McLachlan said the roommates were all in their 20s.

As is generally used in casual internet speak, WTF?!

You know you have the general dispositions to exhibit a violent hankering for a toaster strudel if:

A. You smoked the entire contents of your friend's bong. You didn't buy it and therefore you don't give a fuck.
B. You just drank a shit load. You didn't buy it and therefore you don't give a fuck.
C. You crapped your pants while you were loaded but you jacked the pants off someone in the back alley of a drugstore and therefore, you don't give a fuck.
D. You live in or around Salt Lake City, Utah and your parents are brother and sister and you're too busy pounding the shit out of your first cousin anyway and therefore, you don't give a fuck.
E.You love toaster strudel.

So, I am not a fan of toaster strudel myself, as I am sure I have made abundantly clear to everyone here. I do not like jam or jelly or reconstituted corn syrup or frosting made out of...who the fuck knows?

But I guess at the end of the day, it's really funny and depressing all rolled into one. The fact that someone left his apartment to get his friends to come and jump his roommates over some Pop-tarts is seriously fucking awesome. It just goes to show that sometime small town/suburban life is a whole lot more exciting than one could intially perceive.

All this shit happens right beneath the surface. Makes me want to uproot to Connecticut and watch the free for all. You know there are a lot of freaks in CT. And Florida. And in my basement. You can call me about rental rates.

Can you imagine, though, telling your friends, "So dude, man, I got back home, I was all like, jonesing for my toaster studel and so I went and opened my fucking cabinet and you know what? The fucking toaster strudel was all fucking gone and I was like, fuck that!"

And then realizing that your friends wholeheartedly agree with the travesty that has descended upon you and are ready to go and kick the shit out of your roommates for you. That's what I call loyalty. You should shed a little tear. For the fact that your friends have your back. And that they are also stupid in a way that you can't really put to words. And the fact that you are therefore, probably just as moronic as Larry, Curly, and Moe over there mustering up the outrage that is TOASTER STRUDEL DENIED! YOU ARE TOAST, ASS-RAPISTS! I WILL GO LOCO ON YOUR JAM STAINED FACE!

Instilling fear and a craving for toaster strudel like nothing else in the masses.

Toasty and warm...gooey goodness. Damn it. I want toaster strudel now...reminds me of warm vagina. You know, in the way it gets all over your face.

(I found this photo. I deemed it appropriate. Thank you to you who did it.)

Yellow and Black Do Not Mix As Evidenced by Our Grandparents and Bees

Let me just start this out by saying there was a column in AsianWeek, "The Voice of Asian America." by this Asian guy, Ken. It was called "Why I Hate Blacks."

Eng's "reasons" for hating black people include:

-- "Blacks hate us. Every Asian who has ever come across them knows that they take almost every opportunity to hurl racist remarks at us."
-- "Contrary to media depictions, I would argue that blacks are weak-willed. They are the only race that has been enslaved for 300 years."
-- "Blacks are easy to coerce. This is proven by the fact that so many of them, including the Rev. Al Sharpton, tend to be Christians."

I don't want to get to involved in this because, well, we all know it happens all the time. I'm just surprised they printed it...for black history month. And that on Drew Curtis's Fark they described the news item:
"Asian corumnist wites wacist articre about bracks"
Which is an equally bitchy move.

To move away from the crap, let's look at what global warming has done for us instead. Now that all the polar ice caps are melting, scientists are finding all sort of cool fishies and such. Makes me wonder, do they make good sushi? Cause they look like good eatin.


Hmm. Maybe we are still on this whole Asian thing. We do like the taste of raw fish. And having koi ponds and such. And we do think fish are lucky. And that is why we eat them with reckless abandon.

So as a rebuttal for the Asian-hating-Black issue, I will leave you with a few comments and you can duke it out for yourselves.

1. The chair of ethnic studies at UC Berkeley said in response to Kenneth Eng (Also author of "Why Whites Inherently Hate Us." and "Why I Hate Asians") that Asian-Americans cannot underestimate the impact the African American struggle had on paving the way for other minorities in US history.

2. A friend of mine was watching basketball one day, and her Chinese grandmother says" Why do you even bother watching? They're so dark you can't even see them."

3.

BEIJING (Reuters) - A Chinese businessman has advertised on the Internet for a stand-in mistress to be beaten up by his wife to vent her anger and to protect his real mistress, Chinese media reported on Monday.

"When the woman found out her husband had a mistress, she insisted on beating her up," the Beijing Youth Daily said, citing the advertisement posted on a popular online jobs forum on sina.com.

More than 10 people had applied for the job, the newspaper said. The "successful" candidate would be 35 and originally from northeastern China and would be paid 3,000 yuan ($400) per 10 minutes, it said.

Many Chinese businessmen keep mistresses in second homes, a trend banished after the Communists swept to power in 1949 but which has made a comeback with market reforms in recent decades.

CLEARLY, WE HATE EVERYONE.
But especially women.
We like misogyny greatly.
But even women hate women.
So maybe that's just universal.
Or women suck.
Or men suck.
And that is why I love the period.
Not the puncuational kind.
The hormonal kind.
It's sticky.
In a figurative way.
In my brain.
More on that later.

Have you heard the story of the Chinese empress that cut off all the limbs off one the Emperor's concubines, put her in a large urn, and then kept her in prison, only to bring her out on occasion so she could spit venomous remarks in her face?

Where is my mistress? I would like to offer her up for you to beat her. Don't worry. Asians love pain. Remember. Oranges in a towel or tube sock will cause a nice amount of internal damage without bruising. Cause I would still like my mistress to be purdy.

We love appearances.

And money.
But within reason. $10/hour.
Affordable price for good time. I don't take personal checks. Cash only. Or PayPal.

Have I told you we are very tech saavy as well?

Your Childhood Foodstuffs are Coming Back to Haunt You in So Many Ways. They say Boo.

First spinach rears it's ugly head with E. Coli
Then spring Onions in Taco Bell (Or maybe it's just Taco Bell)
And now Salmonella in Peter Pan Peanut Butter.
Steven Colbert in Ben and Jerry's..but that sounds like a tasty morsel.

But really, who in their right mind eats Peter Pan Peanut Butter. You know as a kid it was all about the crunchy Jif.

And I'm almost certain that there is a scientific link between the consumption of creamy peanut butter and serial killers. Who likes it smooth? Ted Bundy, Son of Sam, John Wayne Gacy Jr. (of particular note) loved it smooth, that's who.

So if you want to one day raise children to become evil deathspawn, give them the smooth stuff and Poof you'll have 30 dead bodies hidden in the rafters.

Speaking of other things that don't belong, I give you this news item from the AP.

NEW YORK - Anne Frank's father tried to arrange U.S. visas for his family before they went into hiding, but his efforts were hampered when Allied and Axis countries tightened immigration policies, according to papers released Wednesday.

Otto Frank also sent desperate letters to friends and family in the U.S. pleading for help with immigration costs as the family tried to escape the Nazi-occupied Netherlands.

Now you see, Anne, dear Anne, you realize that because we didn't want you in the US, you hid in an attic and wrote in your little diary about sickness and youthful hope and tortured generations of grade schoolers who dribbled snot and coughed on mass produced copies of your diary and didn't think twice about the fact that you were rotting away like the John Wayne Gacy's boys and then grumbled at the fact that they didn't want to read your filthy diary and just wanted to go home and play the Nintendo? I didn't think so. You hurt us so good. If this were a Sado-masochist convention, you would win the grandaddy of all prizes. Or a lifetime achievement award. That's impressive for a sheltered 15 year old chick.

Currently listening to: John Cougar Mellencamp's "Hurt So Good"

(Did you also recognize the parallel that this news item was pretty unannounced and hidden like the Frankster until my Nazi-self found it sitting in some random news website which is like the proverbial attic? I deserve a medal. Made of children.)

Editor's note: The views stated above do not reflect the writer's genuine views on the Holocaust, Nazi Germany, or the horrible tragic events that occurred during the time period, which include but are not limited to: Jewish people in ovens, Homosexuals having their brains dissected, and the beginnings of equating masculinity with German women.

Annelies Marie Frank (b.June 12 1929 - d.March 1945) succumbed to typhus in the Bergen-Belsen Concentration Camp. May she in all sincerity rest in peace.

Accompanying articles: Nut Butter
Franks' Grilled Franks Family BBQ (I know. Inappropriate. I apologize.)

Addendum RE: Vasectomy-related Dementia and Femi-nazi Castration Tactics

In response to my statement that women should not castrate men for fear of ending up with a swarm of demented drones I say this:

I suppose it would be easier to manipulate large masses of ball-less blubbering idiots off a cliff like in that game "Lemmings." Game on! Remember the Sheep bomb? Classic.

Furthermore, if you do feel the urge to castrate the men in your life, please remember to send a memento to honor the moment the nuts go flying. You can purchase a pair of nuts for his SUV, Flatbed truck, or sports coupe here.

BUT! May you be warned. If you come within inches of my nuts with a sharp implement, I will counteract with the meat carving knife sitting on the magnetic knife strip in my kitchen. Ah, nothing like the joys of simulated bourgeois life to purge oneself of 4 years of social justice laden schoolyard antics.

Some knives - Santoku, paring, cleaver, bowie. All good for slicing off a piece of that. So back off, bitch. I cut you.

Bowie knife...Bowie...David Bowie...The Labyrinth...nut-centric.

For the full article on the case of the Missing Nutless Crazies, please visit these nutjobs (Reuters)

Also: to return to happier times,
To roast your own 8 to 10 servings of nuts in the comforts of your own home:
1 1/2 to 2 lb whole chestnuts in shell
1 teaspoon vegetable oil
1/4 cup water

Special equipment: a chestnut knife (optional); a large heavy skillet (preferably cast-iron) with a lid

Make a large X in each chestnut with chestnut knife or a sharp paring knife, cutting through shell. Toss chestnuts with oil in a bowl.

Heat dry skillet over moderately low heat until hot, then roast chestnuts in skillet on stovetop, covered, stirring every few minutes, for 15 minutes total.

Add water and continue to roast, covered, stirring occasionally, until water is evaporated and chestnuts are tender, about 5 minutes more. Serve hot.

HOT NUTS! HAPPY VD!

Buyer Beware: Kid Safe Scissors Can Still Cause a Painful Snip Snip

Dear friends,

It has come to my attention today that, unfortunately for all the femi-nazi gestapos that I had the privilege of attending school with, the male sex does in fact think with their external genitalia. So all of you out there who thought men should be castrated to be clear headed or whatever, I present you this case. Now, let it be known that I am aware that most experimental studies have their fallouts, inconsistencies, and inconclusiveness, which is the science equivalent of "Dude, I suck my best friend off when we're drunk, but that doesn't mean I'm not, I mean, doesn't mean I'm gay."

Straight from the horse's mouth (and by horse I mean press and by press I also mean piggish man. Yeah! Cooter is the fine fruit of the masses! Taste the succulent! Without an anatomical nutbag in our way, FEMALE can rise above the patriarchal society that holds us down! May all men burn in hell, NEIN!, die slow grisly deaths from pus-seeping Ghonnerea!) Sorry, got carried away by all the propaganda.

WASHINGTON (Reuters) - Men who have had a vasectomy may face an increased risk of developing a rare type of dementia marked by a steady loss of language skills, researchers said on Tuesday.

Researchers at Northwestern University in Illinois, writing in the journal Cognitive and Behavioral Neurology, linked this male sterilization surgery to a neurological condition called primary progressive aphasia, or PPA.

Therefore, let it be said that if we are to lose our balls, we could potentially prove to lose the little cognitive function we possess. So don't roast our nuts, coddle them. Fondle them like you would a baby giraffe.

Drink Bilk It Does a Body Good and Wasted. Clever Japanese People Are At It Again

In the news, a small liquor shop/brewery in Hokkaido, Japan released a new drink: Bilk.
From Reuters:

Nakahara's new brew, "Bilk" -- a combination of "milk" and "beer" -- is about 30 percent milk. It also contains hops, and the production process does not differ much from that of regular beer, he said.

His shop started selling Bilk, which apart from a slight milky scent looks and tastes like ordinary beer, on February 1 after spending about six months developing the product with a local brewer.

Now we can have strong bones and damaged livers! Awesome. Although there might not be any nutritional value after the brewing...so...we have damaged livers. And thus we ask, has anything really changed at all?

It does entice me to do a little gastronomic home experiment. This is the challenge for you. (If I involve you in some excitement, it makes you more likely to do stupid shit for me.)

Take a pint of beer of your choice (I would recommend a dark beer.) Pour it in a glass 70% full, then fill the remaining 30% with whole milk. Taste it. If you live to see the day, and it tastes pretty good, I'll financially back your endeavors and start marketing it at some suburban kid's lemonade stand. We'll make a killing. Fruity fun in the Sun! (Bilk apparently tastes fruity. I'm not saying completely unfounded nonsense all the time. Although, one must admit that as you read these entries you ask: Does he, in fact, have Tourette's? I'll never tell.)

While we are on the topic of milk, it seems that the top news of the day at The Sun in the British Isles, are two equally lame things.

1. Robbie williams is in rehab. He was in a boyband. (Pasty, white, like milk.)
2. British girls apparently have the largest average boob size in Europe. Which can only mean one thing-- in the evolutionary long run of things, all people gain one evolutionary advantage. Heightened brain function, honed mental capacity, increased muscle dexterity, quicker neural synapses, and bigger boobs to distract from all the ugly.

And Anna Nicole is still dead.

All the Slanty Eyed Folk Make Me Look at Things with a Perpetual Head Tilt

Let's just set something straight before I move forward on what I am about to say. I am Asian. Moving forward now. (By the way, the name of that picture is main_asian_baby.jpg which I enjoy.)

Back in 2002, I was living in North Adams, Massachusetts, which is basically the back water Berkshires all the way up in Western Mass. Just over the summer. When it rains. And is humid all the time. And I would walk to my internship at the contemporary art museum and rig a few things or hang lights...oh the good old days when I didn't have to sit in front of a computer all day long.

Anyway, on a lunch break, avoiding the Brewhaha (a sandwich/coffee shop. It was pretty good. I just hated the name. Who says that? Brouhaha. The offspring of incest, that's who. Which by the way, I heard a rumor that North Adams was the incest capital of the US. Let's think about this. 1. I find that hard to believe since it's in MA. 2. I probably heard it from a disgruntled intern at the museum...trust me. It's a small quiet town.)

Now this is where it all goes down. My friends and I were sitting in some random Chinese buffet because, well, we thought it was an okay idea at the time. or cheap. That's right. It was cheap.

All of a sudden out of nowhere like a bat out of hell, the door opens, the light breaks in in shafts, and a herd of little Asian children come charging in like a herd of... what was that movie with the strange furballs that eat people? Critters? It was kind of like that.

Here is the kicker. Behind all this little Asian children, (Yes, Asian, although most of them were little girls so I'm guessing they were from Mainland China. You know how that goes down.) Yes, behind all these Asian children come all of these White folk, that I can probably only assume to be the adoptive parents of these little Asian cannibals (We eats the dogs, it ain't much of a stretch. And if you have ever been to a mildly shady restaurant, I would say you have had your share of Old Yeller too.)

How twisted is that? As if once a week they would get together here at lunch time so that their Chinese Munchkins could get in touch with their cultural heritage? With a a crab rangoon?

On a similar note, can I just say that a crab rangoon is a deep fried wonton of sorts with crab and cream cheese. ( I found this out recently.) Asians don't really eat cheese. Americans eat cheese. Some Asians like cheese though, but the crab rangoon is a purely American thing. You can add fortune cookies to that mix.

Anyway, story time is over. Remember, if you have an adopted child, don't find stupid ways for them to get in touch with their culture. Babies have no culture except the one they were brought up in. And if you want to take them to their manufacturing country, please,, by all means, do so.

What was is that Angelina Jolie said once? Something along the lines of "I want to adopt a child from several different countries so they can grow up together and share their cultures with one another."

ARGH. If you have any doubts that Zahara and Maddox will smother Shiloh in her sleep then you're an optimistic wunderkind.

For more info on taking the child that doesn't look like you on vacation, click here

Psychic Calls from the Other Side Usually Encounter a Busy Signal

So! A day after I posted something about faggots - the pork liver meatballs of the West Midlands in Great Britannia, we get some news of an actual case of faggotry (the food) and the perils of a person of the homosexual persuasion in a homophobic wasteland that is the world. Do you ever think, though, that maybe people take things a little too seriously? You decide. I'm just riding high on my moment of psychic clarity.

From The SUN

Pies and prejudice anyone?
By JOHN SCOTT
February 07, 2007

A PUB sparked fury by serving a ‘Barrymore Pie’ — and describing it on the menu as: “Faggots swimming in gravy.”

Gay rights groups called for the dish to be scrapped at Mad O’Rourke’s Pie Factory.

Peter Tatchell, co-founder of Outrage! said: “This may have been intended as a joke but homophobia is not a subject of fun in the same way racism is not appropriate for a joke.”

Customer Karin Thompson dropped plans to eat at the pub after reading the menu and wrote to the owner to complain.

She stormed: “It is an offensive use of language — a cheap jibe that is not even funny.”

But defiant boss Peter Towler vowed to keep the crusty favourite on his menu at the pub in Tipton, West Mids.

The 47-year-old said: “It’s been on the menu six years during which time I have had hundreds of thousands of customers and not a single complaint.

“Why don’t these people worry about something important — like the National Health Service.

“These people say this is not funny but their behaviour is turning it into a joke. I am sorry that they are upset but I will not be bullied.”

Mr Towler added: “I will not bow to this pressure. I sell about 100 Barrymore Pies a week. I suppose I could change its name to Politically Correct Pie.”

Faggots are a traditional meatball dish particularly popular in the West Midlands.

A party at comic Michael Barrymore’s Essex home in 2001 ended with guest Stuart Lubbock, 31, being found dead in a swimming pool.

Steaming Hot Faggots Smothered in Pea(s): It's What's For Dinner

The world is my favoritest place ever. And this is why.



Notice how faggots are produced and packaged by a company called Mr. Brain and served with a "rich West Country Sauce." It's these little details that slay me. After a little research, here's how you can create your very own faggot in the kitchen.

Ingredients

* pigs liver
* onions
* breadcrumbs
* suet
* chopped sage
* salt
* pepper

1. Mince the liver and onions together into a mixing bowl.
2. Add the breadcrumbs, suet, and sage, and season with salt and pepper according to taste. Ensure that enough breadcrumbs are added such that the mixture can be shaped.
3. Shape the mixture into balls and place onto a greased oven tin.
4. Bake in an oven for approximately 30 minutes.

The juices in the tin can be combined with boiling water and flour to make gravy to accompany the faggots.

I think it is safe to say that we are privy to the fact that faggots are shaped like balls. Many thanks to the Faggot family. Please refer to the BBC

Wise Words from the Communist Kitchen

Fellow comrades:

We are gathered here today to strengthen our bonds in the kitchen. It is your temple. Food is the nun and the monk of your temple, giving you faith when convictions are weak. Enslave it.

Make not 999 cheap plastic trinkets, but 1000 strong!

Today, remember, when baking with chocolate chunks ( chips, if you are a simpering weakling) or nuts (We require walnuts--read: cost effective and yummers) coat them in flour, else they sink to the bottom of the batter, leaving nothing on top. RISE UP!

This program was brought to you in part by:
General Mills
FOX News 5
and the makers of those little plastic capsules that hold cheaper plastic figurines that are usually sticky or don't stand up that you can get for a quarter at most Safeway supermarkets.

and

Safeway Supermarkets.