Uhm point blank. Read this.
Scuffle over strudel ends in stabbing
The Salt Lake Tribune
A man was stabbed Monday after a fight over a pastry in West Valley City. Roommates at a residence near 7200 West and 2680 South began arguing over who ate someone else's toaster strudel, said police Capt. Tom McLachlan. One roommate left the residence and returned about 11 p.m. with three friends. The four began assaulting two roommates, McLachlan said. During the melee, one of the roommates under attack grabbed a knife and stabbed one of his attackers in the side, McLachlan said. The stabbed man was flown to University Hospital in serious condition. McLachlan said the roommates were all in their 20s.
As is generally used in casual internet speak, WTF?!
You know you have the general dispositions to exhibit a violent hankering for a toaster strudel if:
A. You smoked the entire contents of your friend's bong. You didn't buy it and therefore you don't give a fuck.
B. You just drank a shit load. You didn't buy it and therefore you don't give a fuck.
C. You crapped your pants while you were loaded but you jacked the pants off someone in the back alley of a drugstore and therefore, you don't give a fuck.
D. You live in or around Salt Lake City, Utah and your parents are brother and sister and you're too busy pounding the shit out of your first cousin anyway and therefore, you don't give a fuck.
E.You love toaster strudel.
So, I am not a fan of toaster strudel myself, as I am sure I have made abundantly clear to everyone here. I do not like jam or jelly or reconstituted corn syrup or frosting made out of...who the fuck knows?
But I guess at the end of the day, it's really funny and depressing all rolled into one. The fact that someone left his apartment to get his friends to come and jump his roommates over some Pop-tarts is seriously fucking awesome. It just goes to show that sometime small town/suburban life is a whole lot more exciting than one could intially perceive.
All this shit happens right beneath the surface. Makes me want to uproot to Connecticut and watch the free for all. You know there are a lot of freaks in CT. And Florida. And in my basement. You can call me about rental rates.
Can you imagine, though, telling your friends, "So dude, man, I got back home, I was all like, jonesing for my toaster studel and so I went and opened my fucking cabinet and you know what? The fucking toaster strudel was all fucking gone and I was like, fuck that!"
And then realizing that your friends wholeheartedly agree with the travesty that has descended upon you and are ready to go and kick the shit out of your roommates for you. That's what I call loyalty. You should shed a little tear. For the fact that your friends have your back. And that they are also stupid in a way that you can't really put to words. And the fact that you are therefore, probably just as moronic as Larry, Curly, and Moe over there mustering up the outrage that is TOASTER STRUDEL DENIED! YOU ARE TOAST, ASS-RAPISTS! I WILL GO LOCO ON YOUR JAM STAINED FACE!
Instilling fear and a craving for toaster strudel like nothing else in the masses.
Toasty and warm...gooey goodness. Damn it. I want toaster strudel now...reminds me of warm vagina. You know, in the way it gets all over your face.
(I found this photo. I deemed it appropriate. Thank you to you who did it.)
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