Eating is for Pussies. I Eat. I Must Be Pussy. I am Fried. Fried Pussy. Everything Tastes Better Fried. Eat Me. Tastes like Chicken. Or Fish. Depends.

If you are "eating it" or eating it.

Crude, I know. But there is a method to my madness. (I know, again, I use terms and phrases that are overused...In case I wasn't clear, I said pussy tastes like fish and so on and so forth. It's a trend.)

It has come to my attention, and maybe you as well since I heard about this a little late in the game, that the Japanese are at it again with their crazy shenanigans. I feel like there might be another "n" in that word somewhere. Where is my Vanna when I need her? Flip the tile, DAMNIT!, FLIP the FUCKING TILE! YES, I BOUGHT THE FUCKING VOWEL ALREADY! FUCK, I'LL BUY ALL OF THEM!

Anyway, what I was getting at can be witnessed here.



For those of you out of touch with Japanese culture or Japanese tv programs, let me explain although I'm sure it is quite self explanatory if you actually watch the video (I know some of you skipped over it and to you I say shame on you.) Go watch and read everything in the sequence it was given unto thou. And then go back and mix it all up and call it your own. Some say plagiarism, I say staying true to the original voice.

What you are seeing is an aquarium. An aquarium that is attached to a deep fryer. You can fry the fuck out of anything. Chicken, lobster, Mars bars, goldfish, sweatpants, toe nails, really just about anything will taste good as long as it's battered and fried. And there are real live fish down underneath the oil. If you remember your basic chemistry when you were a kid, oil and water do not mix. Which is why people say sex and condoms are like oil and water. They don't mix. Wait.

Yeah, they don't mix. They're a good idea and should be used at practically all times. But truth be told, not much fun.

In any case, the fish feed off the crumbs and random shit that flakes off the subtlely crisping food product. It kind of reminds me of Ally Sheedy in the Breakfast Club. But she did that out of teen angst. We do this out of deliciousness.

The fish can live unharmed as long as they don't charge themselves headfirst into a gooey vegetable oil heaven while idly swimming around in the deep blue. Sure, if given an easy way to end it, you might really consider it and we have to account for the fact that fish are stupid. You stick a finger in a fish tank and they come nibbling along (If you haven't tried it, you should. It's a magical experience one can only equate to watching a live birth or feeling the tickling urge to sneeze for the very first time...what movie was that in?)

Finally, you might also be questioning the fact that hot water and hot oil might be a disasterous situation. Watching little fish heads explode right out of the tank might not be something you would want as you bite into a ball of fried ice cream. Which also brings to question why fried ice cream is almost always an Asian restaurant delicacy.

Oh well, what I wouldn't give to see a deep fryer explode and watch water and oil and pork rinds and fish and shrapnel spew forth while 26 (and specifically 26) Japanese people stare wide-eye and say "Sugoi!" in a hushed tone. It's all really anime if you think about it. (Whoever knows the Japanese word, I give you 5 dollars. Wait. Boo. You give me 5 dollars. That way I have one less john to get off.

Anyway, sharing time is over. It takes a lot of work to be clever. And I think this time around, I've buckled under the pressure. What can I say? It's hard to be quick on your feet when you have a full grown salmon jammed up your ass.


So I've heard.

Figuratively speaking, of course.